Letting Go

Besides the phenomenon of becoming invisible, which is strange and just starting to happen to me as I age, there's a great freedom of letting things go.  I've always had a set of things that I wanted to do in the future, like gardening and taking up running.  I enjoy planting tomatoes and herbs for cooking, and seem to do quite well with roses, dahlias and peonies, but any other gardening holds no interest for me.  Weeding and pruning.  No thank you.  When we make our move in a couple of years and get our own house, I can envision a small veg patch, a few flowers, perhaps a cherry and apple tree, and then lawn.  No little shrub arrangement that need constant vigilance or else they'll look overly bushy (like our present lawn), no fancy perennial borders, nothing that would require diligent weeding.

I have also dropped any desire to become a runner.  I don't run.  I never really have.  I might jog a across the street to escape being run over, and I might run for my life, but that's it.  I did try this 0 to 5k plan about a year ago and got about 1/3 of the way through, didn't really enjoy the process, and then let it go.  I will not be a runner in this lifetime.  Instead I've started taking dance classes again, and yoga.  My body loves it, my mind loves it and my heart is tickled too.

Returning to yoga has been a delight also, although last night's class heightened that feeling of becoming invisible.  I've always been a quiet person, but generally have made contact with others in the course of going about my business.  These days it feels like people look through me more often.  Now, I'm 46 and usually look younger, especially when my greys are covered with dye and I have a bit of makeup on.  Of late I've been talking to people and they respond to me differently, not really connecting.  There's a sensation of being looked through.  I discussed this with my husband last night, and he said that the TV series, Grumpy Old Woman, shown on British TV a few years ago, discussed this phenomenon.

I am aging.  I'm letting things go, not taking them on.  Grief, a stranger to me before turning 40, is now a companion, having lost friends, family members.  Even though I am a more efficient worker, and much smarter and confident now, I believe I'm experiencing some age discrimination in looking to re-enter the work force.  Of course dropping out in the first place to study buddhism isn't helping there either, but that's a another story.  

On the plus side, I enjoy being older.  I don't have to rush around so much grabbing for things.  Stuff matters so little.  What matters is confidence, kindness, laughter.